Clarifications

After the post I made yesterday, I need to clear some things up. A lot of what I posted was because I was hurt and confused at the result of my actions. I tried to keep my post related to my feelings as I was processing them, but I swayed a bit when I threw in the fact that I sent my friend the flowers.

I know that she wasn't pissed at me. I also know that she did appreciate them and even thought it was a beautiful gesture. Furthermore, I know that I complicated things to an unmeasurable degree by doing so. That was not fair on my part. And on top of it, I sent them to her at her workplace, which probably made her feel trapped and unable to deal with the emotions that she must have been feeling by receiving the flowers. For that, I'm very sorry.

But what I'm not sorry for is the feelings that I have for her. I know that I could love her with all my heart, treat her like she deserves to be treated, never lie to her and cherish her company for as long as I live. It really sucks that I'm being kept from this. All I want to do is prove this to her. She deserves to be treated right. She's been through so much pain already.

Why do I do this to myself?

A simple question. But one that I'm not quite sure how to answer. Is it because I'm lonely and will do almost anything to meet that special someone? Is it because I think that I'm less than a man if I don't have someone to spend the rest of my life with? Or is it because I don't want to die a miserable old hermit, alone and cold in his bed?

Whatever the reason, all I know is that I'm frustrated. Frustrated because I've been rejected for the umpteenth time. Frustrated because I keep getting told "It's not you, it's me." Frustrated because the clock is ticking, I'm still lonely, still miserable, still, still, still.

It seems that everyone around me has found someone to settle down with and is content in their happy little lives. Meanwhile, I wallow in my self pity and misery.

The bottom line is that I'm pissed. Pissed at myself for making bad decisions. Pissed at myself for not acting when I should have. Pissed at myself for letting the world slip on by.

I thought I was doing a good thing by sending my girl friend flowers at work, but it would seem that it had the opposite affect. She called me, alright. And she didn't seem thoroughly happy at my gesture. She actually seemed kind of peeved at the fact that I caused her to get barraged with a ton of questions from her co-workers. She even called me a jerk, albeit in a joking manner.

So now, I hurt. I feel empty and hollow inside. I feel like my soul is missing. I feel alone. I'd better get used to the fact that nobody is going to ever want to marry a guy like me. I'm damaged goods, after all. I just wish someone would see me as a good and decent person and take a chance on me.

Stubborness versus willpower

Last night didn't bode so well for me. The phone call came with the results that I expected, but hoped would be different, nonetheless.

Her parents didn't take to the idea of dating me, naturally. As a parent myself, I don't think I could have agreed to the idea of dating someone like me, given the plain and simple facts. What I do know, however, is that I am a good person, I have a big heart and I know I would be able to love her, unceasingly.

So now, I'm left in a quandry. Do I just leave this relationship on a friend-type basis, as she suggests, which would be difficult given how I feel about her, or, do I keep trying to win her heart, knowing that her parents would never accept me as I am and would eventually cause a rift in her close-knit family?

All I know is that I would like nothing more than to be with this woman. I only wish that it were as simple as that. I know I would be a good match for her. And I know, given time, her parents could like me. I only wish I would be given a chance.

The clock is ticking

It had been a week, but last night, I finally talked to my friend. I want to say girl friend, but I don't want to misconstrue any false ideas about our relationship. We both agreed that we're going to take it one step at a time and whatever happens, happens. The next step is for her to feel out her folks and get a response as to whether or not they'll be accepting of me. With any luck, they'll not give it a second thought and have no objections to us seeing each other. I know I'm being a bit optimistic with all of this, but maybe, just maybe, they'll understand that I have strong feelings for her and I don't intend to just walk away without stating my case. She's a beautiful, vibrant and funny woman and I can't tell myself to cut and run, no matter what anybody says. I truly believe that we would be a great couple.

She's going to be having dinner with her parents tomorrow night and she said that she would let me know how things turn out afterwards. I'm keeping all of my fingers crossed.


Rumack: "I just wanna wish you good luck, we're all counting on you." (Airplane! - 1980)

What happened?

After the better part of a week and not posting anything, I figured I should write some things down. Not much has happened, but still, a few words is better than nothing.

I called her a few times last week, just to let her know that I was thinking about her. Nothing obsessive. Just simple messages on her voice mail, called when I knew her cell phone would be off during work. She did send me a text message back to let me know that she was hoping I was doing okay and that we would talk soon.

Truth be told, I'm not doing so well. I haven't slept, I can barely eat and I'm losing focus on the stuff around me, such as work. I'll manage. I have to.

Speaking of work, last Friday, I started the new venture through my company with the record destruction and shredding business. It went pretty well. We're still working the kinks out (especially in my neck and shoulders). And it figures, with my luck, that it rained like a bitch all day. That certainly made loading and unloading 4 tons of files from the truck very difficult. I'm practically living on Aleve and hot water bottles this weekend. Definitely not fun. Hopefully, I'll get some of the incentive coming to me that the owner said would.

I have my daughter, Emma, coming over later this morning, so I need to get ready for that. And, later tonight, my regular Sunday night phone call to Ryan. Things are going to be quiet today. Just the way I like it.