Black Friday

I've been thinking a lot about the world and how we've turned out to be a bunch of commercial cutouts in this society. Our social standing is dictated by how much we have and what label appears on our jeans. Even growing up, I've heard kids saying "You can't be friends with so-and-so 'cause he/she is wearing something from last year." I mean, how shallow is this that someone can base their opinions on how a person dresses as opposed to the person that they are?

Which leads me to my next bit...

In watching bits of the news this afternoon, people had been interviewed as to their shopping habits and rituals on this day after Thanksgiving, also known it the retail world as Black Friday. I was amazed to hear that a record number of individuals who had gone out as early as 2 A.M. to get a jump start on the holiday bargains. Just to get Aunt Jane a new bauble that she'll probably use once then stuff into a back closet for the remainder of it's days. Or that tie that Uncle Joe will never wear. Or the new toy for little Johnny that will probably break in less than 5 minutes and get thrown away with the rest of the wrapping paper, wrinkled bows and crushed boxes at the end of the holidays.

Have we forgotten how to be nice to people the remaining 364 days of the year? Does it take one particular day to be kind to someone by giving them a gift because society dictates it?

Don't get me wrong. I love to give gifts at Christmas time. I also have been known to give gifts the rest of the year, just to show a person that I've been thinking about them. It doesn't have to be a shiny new toy or a current piece of fashion. Sometimes it can be as simple as card, a smile, or even two little words, "Thank you."

The holidays, Part II

The day's almost over and I'm still in one piece. Physically that is. Emotionally, I'm still a wreck. As I mentioned earlier, I used to love the holidays. Hell, I could learn to love them again someday. But that doesn't help me in the here and now.

The holidays are meant to be a time of sharing. Sharing the wealth, the cheer, and, most of all, the love. I guess why I'm so depressed is because I have so much of it to share and there's none for me. I don't mean the love of a family. I mean the end all-be all of being in love. I thought I had it, but I suppose I was wrong.

I think I will eventually find "the one" that my friends keep telling me is out there. I know I have to be patient, too. But it's so damned hard and I keep feeling as if I'm running out of time.

I keep hearing the soulful words of Freddy Mercury and Queen ringing in my head, "Can anybody find me somebody to love?"

I just have to be patient. It will find me, I'm sure of it. I have to believe it to be true or what else do we have?

Home for the holidays

Okay, so I'm pretty down in the dumps this holiday season. The plans I had to go to Pennsylvania are fucked, so it looks like I get to either stay home and wallow in my misery or go to my brother's house with his screaming wife and three screaming kids and listen to him scream at them to stop screaming, between his frequent visits to his workshop to get high. Then there's the enjoyment factor of my dad being there, too. Not that he's a bad guy or anything, but he has a personality that could bore a corpse. Add that to his remote hogging then promptly falling asleep on the couch and it should all add up to one festive evening. I wonder if there's a hole or something that I can crawl into until January.

I remember when I was a kid that Christmas and Thanksgiving were my two favorite holidays (in that order). I liked Christmas because, it was, well, Christmas. There's just something magical about it that used to make me feel good, deep down in my soul. Forget all the presents and crap. I loved the pure joy that I felt when it was that time of year. Thanksgiving gave me the same sense of joy, but on a little smaller scale. It was a time of family and friendship that I learned to love. I am thankful for my family and friends and I appreciate the fact that I was even asked to join them tomorrow. I guess what I'm dreading most is the sense of lonliness in my heart and the pure chaos that tomorrow is going to bring.

I want the feelings that I had as a kid back.

D-Day, B-Day

I got off to a slow start this morning, having stayed up till 2am playing a LOTR strategy sim game (boy, I need to keep a better eye on the clock!!!) and felt like I couldn't get a good jump on things.

On a positive note, I was finally given the work truck, which is one of those European and Asian hybrids that make you feel as if you're sitting in a moving fishbowl rather than an actual vehicle. Pretty snazzy, too. Damn thing even has a CD player, which I guess is now standard on vehicles, just like automatic transmissions and air conditioning.

Anyway, it was a pretty slow day news-wise, but it went by pretty quick. Had my therapy tonight and I had some very positive feedback. The biggest thing was the support and advice not to call the ex.

I guess that's all I wanted to say for now...

Except for Happy Birthday!

(this is my non-call and "you don't have to send me a card" request, but, in my own way, I'm doing it anyway - for my own peace of mind)

Change of pace

Today, my friend Sam (also known as EllisDee in the talker circles) would have been 36 years old. He died last year on November 5th, just 17 days before his 35th birthday, from a sudden and massive heart attack while he was driving home from work. I really miss him.

I knew there was something special about him when, out of nowhere, he had sent Christmas presents to Erik and myself with no forewarning. One day we were chatting on Freehold and the next thing I knew, I had a delivery from UPS. That started a long tradition between the three of us.

We spent many hours talking on the phone, as well. For a guy who had a lot of musical knowledge, as well as the ability to quote movie lines at will, it was certainly strange to hear his thick Southern drawl, especially adding extra syllables to single syllable words. I can still hear his "No kid-did-ing" like I were talking to him right now.

I miss the guy.

Happy birthday, my friend. The world is a sadder place with you gone, but Heaven is gonna rock with you there.

A glutton for punishment

God, what a dope I am.

I spent the better part of the afternoon painting my bedroom; all the while listening to MP3s. I was doing fine and even making good time, when "our song" started playing. It's called The Promise, by Tracy Chapman and although I'm not a big fan of her music, it is a very pretty song. I was so overwhelmed that I had to stop painting just so I could focus on the words. It got me wondering if she were thinking of me and if the lyrics would come true.


If you wait for me then I'll come for you
Although I've traveled far
I always hold a place for you in my heart
If you think of me, If you miss me once in awhile
Then I'll return to you
I'll return and fill that space in your heart
Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
If you dream of me like I dream of you
In a place that's warm and dark
In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
I've longed for you and I have desired
To see your face your smile
To be with you wherever you are

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
I've longed for you and I have desired
To see your face, your smile
To be with you wherever you are

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
Please say you'll be waiting

Together again
It would feel so good to be
In your arms
Where all my journeys end
If you can make a promise If it's one that you can keep, I vow to come for you
If you wait for me and say you'll hold
A place for me in your heart.


I miss her... terribly