The buildup

After reading my daily horoscope (not that I'm a big proponent of it, but more to the point, I use it for entertainment purposes), I found an interesting tidbit. It stated: "a close friend or love partner could propose an impromptu trip, and you might just decide to go." That set my mood for the whole day. Every time the phone rang at work, I'd check the caller ID in hopes that it was my ex. Needless to say, she never called.

I'm so tempted to call her to hear her voice again and nearly did so a few times, but I keep replaying the conversation of her telling me that she needs her time and space. I want her to know that I'm thinking about her a lot, but I don't want to crowd her. I'm still mulling around the idea of sending her a card for her birthday, even though during our conversation last Monday, she said that I shouldn't do it. Part of me thinks that she is expecting a card. The other part of me thinks (and hopes) that if I do send one, she won't send it back. It's bad enough that last week (before I talked to her) she sent back a shirt of mine that she loved to wear and a picture of me and my son that she absolutely adored. I guess I don't want that final rejection. After the call, even though she said it was over and that she couldn't "go back," there was still a glimmer of hope. Well, more like a flashlight bulb with very weak batteries, than a glimmer, really. But I'm old fashioned when it comes to love, which is why I hold out hope.

Maybe I'm holding out too much.

Maybe tomorrow will bring me back to her.

Maybe...

I hope.

The blahs

I'm sitting here tonight feeling all sorts of depressed about my ex-g/f. I really thought we connected, but I messed things up (by lying about my past) and she told me that she couldn't see me anymore. That was two weeks ago tonight. I keep hoping the phone will ring, or when I come home from work, I half expect to see her car parked in front of the house, or even get an e-mail just to let me know she misses me.

I actually got to talk to her on Monday and I felt all sorts of ill and had lumps in my throat. She did tell me that she missed me and that she thought about me often, but, the truth of the matter is that it was still over. I told her that I even thought about driving to her house (she lives in Pennsylvania) just to see her one more time. She said to me that she'd wondered if I'd do that, but then added that it was good that I didn't because she'd have sent me away. We agreed that we could remain amicably friendly with each other and I told her that I was going to give her the time and space she needed. Before the call ended, I asked her to keep in touch, but I doubt she will. I have a feeling that she's moved on, but I still think about her a lot.

I also have a feeling that it's going to get worse before it gets better. Her birthday is on Tuesday.

God, I feel like crap.

What me worry?

Okay, so I didn't bash by forehead on the keyboard last night like I'd originally anticipated, but by the time I logged off of everything, I certainly felt as if I had. For most of the night, a friend and I spent the better part of three hours giving a third friend lots of armchair therapy to help with his seemingly deep depression. I don't know if it helped, but I did get the sense that he needed someone to talk to and let him know that he is heard.

After that was semi-completed, I spent an hour and a half on the phone with my other friend, tiny. The conversation covered a wide range of subjects, but mostly involved Firefox (and it's smoother operation and updates), ebooks (and the fact that I need to read some story about some Angel or Vampires and a sunglass wearing bat), techno music, the programming lineup for Adult Swim and, finally, anime. My head felt like it was going to explode.

I hope work goes better than last night, otherwise, that 250 count bottle of Aleve is going to need to be replaced a lot sooner than I thought.

Just another day

Well, it's a little after 8 and nothing much has happened here today. I got up, I went to work, I came home, I ate dinner and here I am.

God I have such a bland life, but at least it's steady. I've spent so much of my adult life living in a contained chaos that it actually is nice to have time to myself, although, there's times when I feel restless and find that I miss the hectic day to day scramble I was so used to. Maybe I'll read a book or watch a movie or something and then go to bed.

But then again, I'll most likely spod until my eyes get so heavy that I fall asleep and bash my forehead on the keyboard again.

Well, there's always tomorrow for more excitement.

That's a lot of cabbage!

The other day I got one of those pre-approved American Express applications in the mail, and, like most Americans, I actually thought about filling it in and sending it off. I mean, come on, unlimited spending power right before the holidays?!? Who wouldn't? Even my recently ex-girlfriend had prodded me at one point to get an AMEX card (she used hers frequently for travel). So, for a few hours (I was at work when I opened it) I actually thought about it.

That is, however, until I read the fine print. Even if I didn't use it, after the first year, I would have to fork over a $150 for their annual fee (since, well, you know AMEX doesn't charge interest - you pay the entire loan off when the bill comes), plus $35 per card, for a total of $185 a year! To you and well, you, cause, that's a lot of money for me to spend, just to have the privelege to retain their card in my wallet, that might not seem like much. But when you figure that there's approximately 294 million people in the US and, say, one in ten (a good estimate considering the population growth) has an AMEX card, they are making 5.4 BILLION dollars of our hard earned money - and that's not even considering business owners who have a card for corporate purchases.

5.4 billion dollars.

Now that's a lot of cabbages!

Mindless Rants

Well, now that I had to start this thing just so I can post some replies to tiny's blog, there's not much to say right atm. Check out his blog here (refriedmind.blogspot.com) while I get my thoughts together.